Thursday, May 7, 2009

French Kornwallets and Maple Syrup

Tap dancing lessons gone horribly awry when the teacher turned out to be not the finely attractive woman I had been ogling all this time but a middle aged man with a ridiculously disproportionate body and extremely well toned physique. This did not set me back at all from continuing my nightly flirtatious behavior one bit. I always did think she slapped unusually harder than the other elderly women in the class.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Got a fuckin wrench in these gears son.

Someone shoot a dart full of liquid nitrogen into my butt cheeks I was stuck like that for years and you'd think a Doctor would know better.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CA8BXvdq9Y

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

IMPORTANT UPDATE: Where I've been!

This last Thursday I get sworn in as the emperor of some African tribe and as I am lounging about with my harem of voluptuous dark skinned concubines I find myself bombarded with army ants carrying the entire acre of land away. I get on the phone with the army ant zoning permit authority and they tell me that my whole tribe is in the middle of army ant holy ground. Well that just baked my boxers. Me and several of aforementioned concubines went downstairs to the armory and equipped ourselves with standard issue flamethrowers and practically burnt down the whole fucking Amazon. I suddenly found myself in a crate filled with fire ants being sent to Australia. That's airport security for you!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

AYCH EYE WHY OH

So I go to the comedy club last Sunday with a pocket full of the funniest shit you ever heard and when I get there the bar doesn't even serve Luxembourg Shuffles so I grab the 'tender by the throat and hurl him all the way into the industrial fan on the other side of town spinning at full blast and we all enjoyed him steam broiled with a nice side of hash browns but then when I went on stage to perform my jokes suddenly disappeared into Dimension Skloop and I fell face first into a puddle of elephant sputum.

All in all an uneventful weekend.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

SWEET GOODNESS DOG JIZZEREM

HOLY PATOOTIES SANFRANOODY WHERE YA BEEN AT THESE LAST FIVE YEARS

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